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Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta

Allison — Tue, 03 Aug 2004 19:46:00 +0000

First there was a fax machine. It was evil and it was destroyed in the name of all that was holy and good in the world. The force within the fax machine was too strong though and it survived the massacre only to embody itself within a new host. A printer. A simple color laser printer owned by a simple marketing type company that simply wanted simple pages printed in color. That was simply too much though.

The printer and the evil that lived within were determined to shake the faith of the good employees of the small marketing type company until they cried out for mercy. It jammed. It smeared. It used toner faster than an H2 guzzles through a gallon of gas. It flashed obscure error messages. If you listened closely to the whirring mechanisms within it could be heard to say “John is dead.” The printer was bad right down to the belts.

After compassionate care had worn down even the most optimisic of our office drone heroes the moment of truth arrived. The printer had to die. And it did.

And so, between them, the tireless coworkers beat back the opressive print device until it could no longer remember its IP address. The hard fought battle between man and machine concluded and all the reminders of the dictatorial reign were destroyed. Flames licked every page of the manual as the installation disks smoldered and melted away. Okay, maybe that part is an exaggeration, but they did throw them all out. In the end, wearing victorious grins, the champions returned to the cube farm they called work knowing in their hearts that they had, for once, served the cause of the greatest good.

DOWN WITH HP! LONG LIVE WORKING OFFICE EQUIPMENT!

Boys Never Learn

Allison — Mon, 02 Feb 2004 13:21:43 +0000

I’m superior, you’re inferior
I’m the big attraction, you’re the small
I’m the major one, you’re the minor one
I can beat you shootin’, that’s not all
Anything you can do, I can do better
I can do any thing better than you
- Irving Berlin

The lesson here is that it’s not wise to mess with an intelligent woman. Particularly not when she’s evil too. This is a bit tame, but I guarantee that it will escalate if I am further annoyed.

Don’t push me.

Transvestites

Allison — Mon, 07 Jul 2003 11:07:54 +0000

I’d like to introduce you to a friend of mine. This is Bob. Bob and I work together. Bob is a good guy but he likes to tease me. Lately he’s been on this “Soccer Mom” kick. He says that my kids will determine what kind of mom I will be and that eventually I will be a soccer mom.

I beg to differ. I will not drive a minivan and I will not put soccer stickers in the windows. I will not put “My kid is an honor student” bumper stickers on my car. I will not wear a t-shirt with my child’s picture silk-screened onto it. I will not stand on the sidelines of any game and/or activity that my child takes part in and yell at the umpire, coach, director, teacher or whatever for not behaving as if my child is the best thing since sliced bread. I will NOT be a soccer mom.

Bob insists that I will and nothing I said would convince him otherwise. Since Bob would not keep his opinion on this matter to himself and insisted on calling me Soccer Mom instead of Allison, I decided to see how he liked being pigeon-holed into a stupid stereotype. So now I’d like to introduce you to the “World’s Best Soccer Mom”. Everyone in the office thinks she’s just lovely. Oh, and Bob doesn’t call me Soccer Mom anymore.

Bathrooms

Allison — Mon, 24 Feb 2003 16:00:58 +0000

Generally the bathrooms in my office building are very clean. They clean and sanitize everything overnight every night and during the day a lady comes in to empty the trash and generally tidy things up. She’s really nice too. Anyway, one of suites in the building is a training facility that rents their classrooms out to Abbott Labs for them to train their pharmaceutical reps. About once a month they invade the building for a week at a time with their southern accents (I don’t know why but they always have southern accents), caked on makeup, overdone hair and annoying bathroom habits.
Like I said, the bathroom is always very clean. Except when they come in. Then the place is trashed. My biggest problem though, is that they come in and don’t sit on the clean bathroom seats using the tissue seat covers that are in every stall. No, they must hover. And they pee all over the seats and don’t bother to clean it up. So the next person is forced to hover to avoid the mess. I’m 29wks pregnant. I don’t hover these days. I plop my fat tushy down on the seat every single one of the million times that I go to the bathroom a day. But I can’t do that because of these oh-so-priss-incredibly-self-absorbed-messy-peeing women that have taken over the bathroom. Didn’t anyone ever teach them manners?
I could go on at even greater length about the other things they do that annoy me, but I’ll stop here. I personally feel a bit better, but I still feel awful for the poor nice lady that has to clean up after these terrible slobs.
Just to clarify. This is not meant to imply that all female employees of Abbott Labs possess disgusting bathroom habits. It is simply a generalization of the ones that I have chanced to share a bathroom with which I’m sure is a miniscule amount compared to the number of women working for this company.