We Got Department Stores And Toilet Paper
In a world where men and women with substantial IQ’s have gone above and beyond the old single ply toilet paper to invent not just the double, but also the triple ply and have climbed atop the proverbial throne bearing rolls with super-absorbent ridges, decorative embossments and even quilting it is still possible to find penny pinchers in purchasing departments digging through the dredges in order to fill public bathrooms with what I can only refer to as anorexic half ply. You are no doubt familiar with the various types of toilet paper from low to high end but I can hear mumbling to yourself, “anorexic half-ply?” while you begin to calculate the ridiculosity of this concept but rest assured that each and every one of you really knows what I’m referring to.
Anorexic half-ply. This toilet paper came into fashion with the advent of the mega-roll toilet paper dispenser. Traditionally toilet paper hung in stalls on normal rolls much like what you have at home, often with two rolls mounted on the wall right next to each other. From there someone devised a gadget that could hold multiple rolls stacked one above the other in a container that would lower a new roll when the lower ones were emptied. After that another genius devised a large contraption that would only hold one roll but that roll was giganormous. One industrial size heavy duty long lasting mega-roll of toilet paper. Janitorial drudges everywhere applauded this advancement in technology. And then someone got cheap.
Due to the size of the roll they reasoned out that you could fit more length on roll (ie. you could wrap more around the cardboard in the same amount of space) if you stuck to single ply. These things weren’t rocket science and they weren’t so bad. People don’t expect to find the best toiletries in public restrooms. We’re somewhat innured to these slight offenses and I’ll admit to some apathy regarding toilet paper. At least until I discovered anorexic half-ply.
Apparently some accounting department wizard realized the inverse relationship between the thickness and how much could be squeezed onto a roll and determined that in order to get more bang for the buck toilet paper should be even thinner. That’s right, even thinner than single ply. Then they figured that putting more toilet paper on a roll would cost more even if it was thinner so in order to keep materials at the same level they simply made the sheets half as wide. Now we have skinny toilet paper that is thin enough to wear as a veil without obscuring your vision. Anorexic half-ply.
I was in the bathroom at work the other day and another woman was in the stall next to mine. I drink a LOT of water so she finished well before me and, as the only thing separating us was a partial wall that doesn’t block sound, I heard as she began pulling her TP off the roll. And pulling and pulling. I actually saw it begin puddling on the floor before she tore it off. Then I finished my business and did the same thing (minus the puddling on the floor because who wants to use toilet paper that has touched the floor of a public bathroom!).
The moral of the story is that cheap toilet paper may be half the cost of decent stuff but people will use three times as much. If you know anyone who is responsible for purchasing bathroom supplies please forward this to them. Help put an end to anorexia because it is a disease that affects not just toilet paper but also all those who use it.
