Don’t Want To Close My Eyes

Princess Know-it-all was at her dad’s this weekend so I spent a lot of time with Spy Baby. I thought about how much she’s growing up. It seems like overnight she’s gone from a tiny little infant to a boisterous toddler. I thought about all the people who have known her her entire life and seen every little step and bit of progress that she’s made. It’s really amazing. She’s fitting into a new batch of PK’s clothes and I look at her in each outfit and think that PK was so much older when she wore them so how could my little SB possibly be big enough already. Yet she is.

What is amazing me even more is my Princess. Ever since SB came along it’s been harder to track her growth and looking at her old clothes suddenly brought it all rushing in. She’s not so little anymore. There’s so much of her that is still the same that all these changes have snuck up on me. When did she learn to do her own hair? How long has it been since she needed me to pour her a glass of juice? Since when can she go into a dark room without me holding her hand?

Now she’s my babysitter, my fashion director, my assistant and my navigator but before she was all these things she was my baby. She couldn’t sleep if I wasn’t in the room with her. She needed a kiss and hug, sometimes more than one of each, before I could leave her. I made her breakfast, lunch and dinner, matched her clothes and made sure she put a hat on. I was her world.

She’s only seven and she still needs me but I already feel like I’m losing her. Maybe they’re small things but they matter. She used to need me to check on her a million trillion times at night but now she knows that number is crazy so she says to check on her ten times instead. Just ten. She doesn’t wake me up in the middle of the night to tell me that she’s going to go to the bathroom. Who would have thought I’d miss that? Not only does she know how to operate the tv, but she can use the vcr, dvd player and knows which channels Disney, Nickolodeon and PBS are on.

When PK gets sick these days she wants to sit and watch tv all day. I remember when she was little and didn’t feel well. As soon as her temperature would start to rise she would crawl into my lap and stay there until she felt better again. When she had trouble sleeping I would sing a lullaby that I wrote just for her. Now I hear her singing it to SB and it brings tears to my eyes.

All of this makes me a bit weepy. I don’t know where the years went and I’m terrified that I’m going to blink and she’ll be gone. That they both will. There’s something so sad and wonderful and magical about watching a child growing up. Now I understand why my mother decided to do it six times. I just wish they’d slow down because I don’t miss a minute of it.
Angel, angel time to go to sleep
Mama’s always here for you
There’s no need to weep
Angel, angel, time to rest your head
The sun has said goodnight and now
It’s time to go to bed
And when you close your eyes tonight
I’ll be right here by your side
There’ll be no need for fear
Mama’s right here
Close your eyes my little
Angel
Angel, angel, one day when you’re grown
You may sing this lullaby
To children of your own
Angel, angel, when you’ve gone away
On my knees beside my bed
Every night I’ll pray
That when you close your eyes at night
I’ll be with you still inside
There’ll be no need for fear
I’ll always be right here
Close your eyes my little
Angel