I See You Through My Spy Glasses, Baby

Editor’s Note: This entry took a long time to finish. Today is not Friday. Sorry for any disappointment this may cause.
This is getting totally out of control. It’s beyond the beyond. I don’t know what to do anymore except sit down, knock back a few drinks and laugh. My baby is a spy. People give me odd looks when I tell them that but it’s the truth. She’s an undercover evil agent of destruction. Who knew? Well, besides me. I know no one else believes me but this latest mischief will prove it.

It’s Friday. Friday is pizza and a movie night in this estrogen overloaded house. A nice cheese slice to go with our cheesey “family” oriented flick and we’re a bunch of happy chicks. Tonight is an abberation though. Tonight we have a boy in the hizz-ouse. Yup. Male. Testosterone. I should have known there would be havoc but he’s such a nice well-mannered little boy (he is for me at least) that I really thought we’d be fine.

The movie was fine, so was the pizza and the ice cream. We were doing great until I mentioned showers. No kid likes to take a shower, especially when playing with a friend is an alternative. Still, it needed to be done so I argued Ellie into the bathroom, put Risa to bed and sat down to play video games with Casey (I told you I was addicted). I heard the water turn on and the baby fussed as she settled in. At the start of the third race I heard a high-pitched scream from the back of the house. I dropped my controller and raced for the bedroom thinking Risa had managed to get to something she shouldn’t have but she was simply standing in her crib letting loose with some glass shattering wails. Scooping her up I turned and saw that Ellie’s towel was on the floor. Knowing she would need it momentarily I grabbed it and took it into the bathroom. Opening the door and walking into the bathroom I noted that my bedroom light was on and that I needed to turn it off even though I couldn’t recall turning it on and I also realized that the carpet was damp under my feet. As I hung her towel on the rack for her I asked her why everything was wet but she ignored me. I pulled back the curtain to ask her again and to my amazement there was no one in the shower. I flipped off the water and spun around to scream for my missing child but instead paused and stormed into my bedroom. There I found my errant daughter dripping wet on my floor while trying to struggle into a flannel nightgown. I was annoyed.

After ordering her to dry herself off with the towel I flung in her direction I returned to the living room where I unceremoniously dumped Risa and plopped down in front of the computer to whine about my children to anyone who would listen. Ellie came out fully clothed and mostly dry so I let the kids play a couple rounds of Mario Karts before shuffling Casey off for a shower.

Princess Know-It-All gave him the grand tour of the bathroom. She showed him where the towels were and the shampoo then proceded to give him a tutorial on the art of taking a shower which included instructions on exactly how much shampoo was required as well as a step-by-step discourse on how to apply said shampoo. Still sitting at the computer wailing to the world in true Drama Queen fashion I finally butted in when Risa toddled in to join them and they all started yelling.

Storming back towards the bathroom I yelled, “Ellie get out! Risa come here! Casey take a shower!” Snatching Risa from the floor where she was attempting to completely unroll and entire roll of toilet paper I nudged Ellie out the door and told Casey to go ahead and hop in. With the door closed I heard the water turn on and ordered Ellie to the living room where she was to plant her butt on the couch and not speak. Rocking Risa a bit I eased into the dark bedroom to lay her down. Again. She immediately stood back up and shrieked at me and as I was trying to give her that fake hug that’s really a smokescreen for laying her down again I heard a thump from the bathroom and a small yelp. Listening closely all I could hear was the blubbering from the over-tired baby and Princess Know-It-All shouting to find out what was happening.

Abandoning Risa I went back to the bathroom door and knocked while asking, “Case, you okay?” Hearing no response I slowly cracked the door open and started to ask again when I noticed that I couldn’t see the shower curtain that should have been reflected in the mirror. Opening the door a little wider I was able to locate the missing shower curtain where it was laying half in and half out of the shower, which, just in case you were wondering, was still running. Rushing in I slammed the faucet shut, grabbed a towel and wrapped the soggy boy up before asking if he was hurt. Two seconds later Princess came running in to find out what was going on and I had to kick her out. I checked his head quickly for cuts, bruises and bumps and fortunately didn’t find any. Princess poked her head around the corner again. I fought the urge to throttle her and again ordered her back to the couch. One more time I asked if the curtain rod had hit him and when he indicated that it had caught him on the chest I looked but found more nothing. Relieved that no damage was done I calmed him and told him that he could call it quits with the shower and just get ready for bed.

I scooted the curtain out of his way and left the bathroom, closing the door behind me, ignoring the whimpers emanating from the bedroom and shooshing Princess (whose curiousity is apparently insatiable) toward the living room. Casey arrived in his pj’s and I began settling them down for sleep. While they discussed who would sleep on the couch and who would sleep on the floor (interesting side note: Casey was granted rights to the couch but both kids ended up sleeping on the floor anyway) I asked what Risa was doing in the bathroom before I came back there.

Three guesses. Yes folks, my baby is a spy. I’ve said it before and I’m saying it again. She’s got mischief in her blood and deviance on her mind. And now she’s apparently targeting guests in our home. Watch out for her booby traps if you come to visit. That so subtly misplaced toy in the middle of the floor is probably about as innocent as my little secret agent.